Thursday, October 4, 2012

Out of Order: Broken by the UPS Man

Let me start with describing our UPS man to you. He is tall, brown hair, tanned skin, mid-30's, married. Common and undistinguishable, except for the fact that he makes my skin crawl. He's inappropriate and, for loss of a better word, a creep. He delivers packages almost daily to our business, and always hits a shelved Staples button that calls out "that was easy" after dropping the boxes off. I've since reacted to that button like Pavlov's dogs when a fellow co-worker hit it as a joke, with unwelcome chills climbing up my spine. I did not find it funny. I hid the button. Our UPS driver noticed it was gone after about a week. He asked where it went. We shrugged our shoulders.

He hits on the female staff. "Your hair looks nice today", or "are you wearing something different?" Eiw. Gross. I stopped responding to him. I don't even make eye contact. I am simply unamused. Deliver your packages and go.

Oh, but he doesn't just deliver his packages and go. He delivers the packages and makes a pit stop in our bathroom, at least once a week. The bathroom is located just off of the lobby; in the lobby, really. He spends a lot of time in there--we started counting the minutes. Sometimes, he makes phone calls. But, worst of all--worse than his creepy remarks, worse than him hitting the “that was easy”button--worst of all is that he NEVER flushes the toilet. Ever. Ok. I understand if you reallyhave to go to the bathroom. Sure, use our toilet. But a) don't make a habit of it and b) flush. the. damn. thing.

On his first offense, I noticed that the lobby kind of smelled a couple of minutes after he left. Hm, that's strange, I thought to myself. I started walking toward the bathroom and the smell got stronger. Oh no, it couldn't be. Oh yes, it was. He took a huge dump in our toilet and didn't even bother flushing. It wasn't like he tried to flush, failed, and moved on, no. He didn't even try. I vomited a little bit in my mouth, plugged my nose, and pushed down the flusher with the tip of my foot.

Unluckily for us, he has been a repeat offender. He even had the audacity to come up to the desk and tell my co-worker that a part of the toilet was broken; he recommended we repair it as it was a cheap and easy fix. If he would have said that to me, I would have recommended that he stopped shitting in our toilet.

Luckily for us, he drives a big, brown, conspicuous UPS truck...and that means one thing. We know when he's coming. When I see him coming, I've taken to running to the bathroom, turning the light and fan on, and shutting the door. He's hesitated outside of it a time or two, and then moved on. This has become a small victory in my eyes; victorious because it has thrown him off course, small because it only works if I see him coming. If I’m distracted, he swoops in and attacks, dropping a bomb and leaving utter destruction in its wake.

He has since come in to solely use our bathroom, sans packages to deliver. He was in there for 6 minutes and 27 seconds. He made, and ended, a phone call whilst polluting our toilet. He did not flush.

My next plan of attack? I’ve made a sign that reads “Out of Order: Broken by the UPS Man”. I’m still working up the courage to put it up. You see, if he sees the sign, he is bound to comment on it. And I really, really don’t want to talk to him. He has already contaminated my senses with his indecency and I’d rather not be brought further down by his unintelligent attempt at conversing. This man is a disgrace to all mankind, and I wish he would stop disgracing my place of business.

Hope floats, I guess.


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