The Body Project

Here's a thought: why don't we start focusing on what our bodies DO instead of how our bodies LOOK?

I'm not implying that we shouldn't care about our appearance, only that we should love it. If you don't love the way you look and are looking for a change, then I think it's extra important to start with loving yourself. In turn, I believe that a foundation in loving yourself comes from focusing on all of the wonderful things that our bodies do.

Today, my body woke me up nine minutes before my alarm went off, as it does almost every morning. It pays attention more to the sunlight hitting my eyelids than the organized setting on my clock. Annoying, but amazing, right?

And then it allowed me to think about the things I needed to get done in the immediate future: pee, shower, brush teeth, floss, get dressed, apply makeup, take dog out, go to work.

Next, without hesitation or difficulty, it let me swing my legs off of the bed and carry me through my morning's activities.

Once I got to work, my body connected my thoughts into productivity. It also ate a banana, a muffin, and soaked in two cups of coffee (and then some). 

After work, it let me hear my sister's voice over the phone so I could meet her. Then, my body brought me to my sister. It allowed me to reflect on the day and laugh about the present. And then it did me the favor of digesting a lovely dinner and a glass (or two) of wine. It maybe started to digest some Haagen Dazs Caramel Cone ice cream, too. Maybe.

And now, it's starting to relax. My feet are floppy and my eyes are drooping. My breath is steady. And, it's letting me do one of my favorite things--connecting my mind to my fingers and my fingers to my keyboard. It's letting me write.

The above is hardly a fraction of everything that my body did today. I've only just scratched the surface. 

Take a minute to think about all of the tiny things you've done over the past 24 hours. Did you think about something? Did you look at something, touch something, smell something, taste something? Did you move?

Did you appreciate what your body did for you today? 

Did you appreciate your body?

Did you appreciate yourself?

Did you love yourself?

I think it's time that we start finding a healthy alternative to the way we perceive ourselves. Help me by sharing your appreciation and experiences in the comment section below!

I'm loving the responses that I've gotten from beautiful women around the world!

"Remember our fun-filled day at the Sutro Baths?? Even after all the cheese and champagne, our bodies still somehow hiked up that mountain out of there! So brutal. Thighs burned. But we did it! And I would do it again for another amazing day like that with you ladies!" - from a beautiful lady in Scottsdale, Arizona

"Past: my body dove off a cliff in Croatia straight into the open Adriatic Sea. It braced the fall and resurfaced without hesitation. Caught in the massive swells of an approaching storm I kicked and swam towards shore for what felt like hours - yet making no distance. The waves were sucking us both towards the jagged rocks and also sweeping us out to sea. Adrenaline from the jump and tapped strength allowed me to eventually make it back to shore where I coasted over sea urchins and surfed in on an incoming wave.

Current: my body is miraculously fighting off crazy illnesses in Southeast Asia: stomach viruses, food poisoning, fevers, aches, chills. It will not stop fighting, simply getting stronger with each battle." - from a beautiful world-traveler, currently making her way through Southeast Asia

"My lungs fill with the crisp morning air. I close my eyes and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. Even in the still that comes with early morning, I can hear the whirring of the city starting a new day. As I take my first sip of coffee, I am thankful for my bodies capacity to fully experience life's most simple moments:)" - from a beautiful woman in NY, NY

"So I am little embarrassed to admit this... but I was never able to do a push up until this year (and I am 27 years old). I mean it... not even ONE!!! Once I started my yoga teacher training and started practicing in the astanga tradition, my body started doing amazing things! I can now do 20 pushups without any problem and was even able to do 5 one-legged push-ups last night! 

I also had a pretty brutal intercostal muscle tear back in December and was told I couldn't practice for at least 5 weeks and I was terrified that this would set me back in my practice. The injury ended up taking almost 8 weeks to heal - but on my first day back on the mat it was as if I had been practicing the whole time. I remember thinking... wow, the body is an extraordinary!!!" - from a beautiful yoga instructor in Scottsdale, Arizona

2014: The Year of Re

As a child, I was never allowed to compare my performance to anybody else's. It was one of my father's rules: always do your personal best. It didn't matter if the teacher was difficult, or if the majority of the class was failing, or if the other kids didn't have to practice music X hours a week, or if everybody else was going to skip school that day. The teacher, majority, other kids, and everybody else did not matter. I mattered. It was my life, my output.

Good lesson, dad.

Now, it's hard to go through life without comparing yourself to anyone at all, without pining after something (career, love life, family, money, car, etc.) someone else has. Envy wouldn't be one of the seven deadly sins if it wasn't a key human trait. But what I've come to find is that, as I get older, envy has less and less presence in my life. I am starting to finally feel like a whole person, 100% unique. In that wholeness, I look less to others in comparison. In that wholeness, I look more to me.

Generally, I am quite cynical when it comes to New Year's resolutions. I believe that many people set unrealistic goals for themselves. I believe that the majority of resolutions are made purely because that's what everybody else is doing. And because I strive to step away from what everybody else is doing, I tend to not make a New Year's resolution. Being the natural goal-setter that I am, though, this is not always easy.

I did not enter 2014 with celebration or excitement. As I was recovering from a stomach bug and on-going head cold and in the middle of a trip to Pasadena for the Rose Bowl (go Green!), I tucked myself into bed on New Year's Eve at a sweet 10:30 p.m. I did not reflect over all of 2013, I did not dream of all that was to come in the New Year. Instead I willed myself to sleep and tried to ignore the fact that I had to wake up at 5:00 a.m. the following morning.

New Year's Day was full of football and traveling. As I attended Rose Bowl and Michigan State, my Alma matter, brought home the win, it was a good day. But, to say the least, it was a tiring day. Since I've returned from Pasadena I've made a point of resting my mind and body, giving both time to repair. In this repair mode, I have had quite a lot of time to think.

I thought about 2013 - it really was a wonderful year, full of traveling, reuniting with family, self-discovery, and making dreams come true. It was a year of doing. A year of living.

2013 gave me a lot to be thankful for.

After happily reflecting on all of my adventures, growth and full living in the past year, I started turning gears into looking toward what I wanted 2014 to bring. As I mentioned earlier, I typically do not make a New Year's resolution. This year is no different--I have no concrete determination to bring anything particular into light. I am, however, entering this year with intention.

I intend 2014 to be the year of "re". I have spent the past 25 years building myself, tailoring my life to my liking. I understand that growing and change are on-going, but for now, for this upcoming year, I am going to stand still. I am going to take what I have to strengthen who I am and what I want, through the process of re.

After taking a break over the holidays, I am currently refocusing on what it is exactly that I want in life. I am restructuring my priorities, giving precedence to the top of the list. With that, I am re-branding myself, professionally and personally. More so professionally, because I am rebuilding my career. Personally...well you'll just have to wait and see. I am going to take everything that I already have, and repurpose it into something better.

I am going to take everything that I already have and repurpose it into something better.

Through refocusing, restructuring, rebranding, rebuilding, and repurposing, 2014 is going to be a year of personal bests.

Because it's my life, my output. My year of living with intention.

Make the most of your 20s: Meg Jay at TED2013

Reactions across the board to the Ted Talk Why 30 is not the new 20 have ranged from those of appraisal to appallment, but I agree whole-heartedly with psychologist Meg Jay's standpoint that your 20s is a decade not to be wasted.

 

To me, it's a decade that should be put toward becoming who you want to be, no matter what that is. Though I do not agree that all growth is over by your 30s, I do believe that our 20s are extremely formative years, if we let them be. I believe that now is the right time to begin shaping yourself into the person you want to be.

 

"Do something that adds value to who you are. Do something that is an investment in who you might want to be next."

"Claiming your 20s is one of the simplest, yet most transformative things you can do for work, for love, for your happiness, maybe even for the world."

 

The above quotes from Meg Jay's Ted Talk resonate deeply with where I am right now, in my life, as a 24-year-old. I feel that I am finally beginning to embark on the path of the rest of my life, a path that is newly fulfilled with a strong sense of direction.

Here is what I took from Dr. Jay's Ted Talk: Live with intention. Find what you love, and do it. Because you can.

 

 Via the Ted Blog:

"In her 20s, Meg Jay saw her first psychotherapy client, Alex, who was there to talk about her guy problems. Jay didn’t take the sessions all too seriously at first. But then her supervisor gave her a wakeup call. While Jay said, “Sure she’s dating down and sleeping with a knucklehead. But she’s not gonna marry the guy.” Her supervisor responded, “Not yet. But she might marry the next one. The best time to work on Alex’s marriage is before she has one.”

For Jay, it was an a-ha moment. She realized that 30 is not the new 20. The 20s are not a throwaway decade — they’re a developmental sweet spot as it is when the seeds of marriage, family and career are planted.

There are 50 million 20-somethings in the US — that’s 15% of population. And Jay wants them to consider themselves adults, and know that this period is as important for their development as the first five years of life. Because the first 10 years of a career have an exponential impact on how much money a person is going to earn. Love is the same way: Half of Americans are with their future partner by the age of 30.

“Claiming your 20s is one of simplest things you can do for work, happiness, love, maybe even for the world,” says Jay. ”We know your brain caps off its second and last growth spurt in your 20s as it rewires itself for adulthood. Which means whatever you want to change, now is the time to change it.”

Jay worries that messages in the media about the changing timetable of adulthood, and the 20s being an “extended adolescence,” are trivializing this important decade. These messages encourage 20-somethings not to take action on the things that matter to them most. It leads them to think,  ”As long as I get good job by 30, I’m fine.” Or that dating is just a game, and that they should stay with someone who is just “fun.” The result: they waste valuable time.

Jay also takes issue with the phrase “you can’t pick your family, but can pick your friends.” Because you can pick your family — your own. Jay notices that many people feel pressured by time on this big decision. “Grabbing whoever you’re living with or sleeping with when everyone on Facebook starts walking down the aisle is not progress,” she says. She wants 20-somethings to be as intentional with love as they are with work.

“Too many 30-somethings and 40-somethings look at themselves and say about their 20s, ‘What was I doing? What was I thinking?’” says Jay. “When a lot has been pushed to your 30s, there is enormous 30-something pressure to start a family, have your career, pick a city. Many of these things are incompatible to do all at once.”

So what can 20-somethings do? They can own their adulthood. They can invest in identity capital—courses, skills, friends—that add value toward who they might want to be. They can work on building a wide social network, instead of a tightknit one that doesn’t allow for outside opportunities.

Jay explains, “Twenty-somethings are like airplanes, just taking off from LAX heading for somewhere west. A slight change in course on takeoff is the difference between landing in Alaska or Fiji.” "

Up

Life has been overwhelming lately. The kind of overwhelming that makes me want to draw my curtains, shut my eyes, and sleep until all of the difficult stuff passes.

Fortunately and unfortunately, I haven't been able to do that. This is real life. I have to meet my challenges head-on. Anybody can do well at living when things are good. It's the way that we handle life when things are tough that really defines us.

You will fight with somebody and you will fail at something at least once in life. It's isn't how big or how small we fight or fail, but how we do it. Do you stay honest? Are you true to yourself? Are you being fair? Do you learn? Do you grow?

Everybody reacts differently to conflict. Some people like to exercise, some people like to drink, some people like to shut down, some people like to act out. Me? I like to hide. My first instinct when faced with something scary is to plug my ears, close my eyes, and turn my back. Seriously--plug, close, and turn.  Not the ideal reaction. I'm working on it. Luckily, this reaction only lasts for 60 seconds, tops. Because, after 60 seconds, reality hits me. Problems don't disappear when we hide from them. At least not mine. Just because I can't see the monster behind my closed eyes doesn't mean he can't see me.

I've been trying to curb my block-everything-out-and-hide reaction to fighting and failing lately by, of all things, looking up. Not figuratively, but literally. When I feel weighed down and overwhelmed by what lies in front of me or what I've left behind, I simply lift my chin and look up into the sky. The space out there reminds me that everything will be ok. This world is a lot bigger than I am. Its problems are a lot bigger than mine.

Looking up has given me peace in my recent times of turmoil. Since it calms me down so well, I’ve worked it into my confrontation routine. Right now, my process of confronting fighting and failing has been this: 1) Freak out and plan to bail for 60 seconds. 2) Look up and breathe for at least 60 seconds. 3) Meet my problems head on, for however long it takes. React, look up and breathe, act.

Eventually, I'd like to be rid of the plug, close, and turn process. I'll hold on to looking up, though, because that's what helps me stay honest, true, and fair. It helps me approach my fights or failures with a clear head. And with a clear head, I can learn. I can grow. Right now, to me, fighting and failing are the scariest things out there. If I keep meeting them with a lifted chin, though, maybe someday they won't be.

Six Impossible Things

Alice laughed. "There's no use trying," she said. "One can't believe impossible things."

"I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."
 
--  Lewis Carroll

I've loved this quote for a long, long time. You see, I'm determined to not let my imagination run out as I age. Sure, I can't completely stop the loss; some of it's out of my control. But what I can do is use my imagination, keep it into practice to keep it into being.

If we don't imagine, we don't dream. And if we don't dream, then why live?

For how can we hope for better, achieve better, and live better, if not for dreaming better?

Even though I live well a life full of happiness, I know that things can be better. Things can always be better, for anyone, anywhere. And for that reason, I believed six impossible things before getting out of bed this morning. 

I will be a professional writer.

My dog will live forever.

I will live within (at least) short driving-distance from my sisters and we will get together (at least) weekly.

I will live cellulite-free one day, for the rest of my days.

I will be able to travel without anything standing in my way.

My loved ones (including me!) will live in perfect health for perfectly long lives.



It's in my control to make 4 of those come true, anyway.

Because how would we ever make things possible if we didn't challenge the impossible?

 

I Get What I Want

As a child, my mother encouraged me to sleep with a wish list under my pillow. She did the same, and then added the list to a box when all of the itemized wishes came true. Every once in a while, she would sit down, open the box, and reflect on all that she had hoped for and received.

I loved this idea as a kid and I love it now. I take it very seriously. I love it because it solidifies my wishes; by putting them down on paper, they become one step closer to becoming reality. By allowing myself to lay out what I really, really want and set goals on how to go about achieving each thing, my hopes and dreams become all the more attainable. But, most of all, I love the list because it works. And it works because, all of these years, I have adhered to three very strict rules:

1) Be very careful as to what you put on the list. Only items of the highest priority can be added. Nothing trivial. The trivial items can lessen the urgency of the significant items and result in an overall longer waiting time. I define important things as those that have the potential to greatly affect my life or the life of others.

2) Be patient. The key to the list is patience. It could take days, weeks, months, years, or decades for things to happen. Never take anything off of the list (unless you no longer wish for it). If you need to create a new list and still have an old wish that hasn't come true, just recycle it to the top.

3) Keep present. Every once in a while, take out the list and reread it. Take time to recognize what it is that you want, and how close you are to getting it. Keep the items on the list ever-present in your mind. If you stop thinking about them, you may not see the opportunities out there that can make them happen. And, sometimes, you will no longer hope for the same things that you did six months ago. Time sheds light on things and can give you a better understanding of what you want. It is ok to remove things from the list--that will only clear the path further for the other wishes to happen.

There you go; that's my secret to getting everything I want--well, at least everything important.

Try it!

My Attempted Detox

This week, I ventured on a journey far from where I've ever been before. I did a juice detox (well, kind of).

 

I am a girl who doesn't diet (I think may have tried in high school?) and loves her body. So why did I do this to myself? Because of the latter: I love my body. After the holidays and my post-holiday week-long binge, my body felt disgusting. My insides didn't feel clean. My body was craving fruits and vegetables (can you believe it?!), so fruits and vegetables I gave.

This was only a two-day cleanse, and although I am sharing it with you here, I verbally told very few people. I didn't want to raise any eyebrows in concern. Yes, I am that much of a fat kid. And, while I wrote up-to-date posts here while I was doing my cleanse, I decided not to publish it until after I was done, so little faith I had in myself. I didn't want to disappoint myself that much more by not following through with it and having everybody know. Again; I am that much of a fat kid. 

 

If you are reading this, don't worry. My mental (and physical) well-being is just fine. I only wanted to clean both out by offering them wonderful foods in their truest form. I know something like this is hugely atypical of my character; again, do not be concerned. Yes, I still like food as much as you know me to. And yes, I plan on getting back to my regular eating self (maybe a bit healthier?!!) today. Below is my documentation on "the cleanse".

 

I ask you two things: do not pass judgment, and let me do it my way.

 

Day 1: Tuesday

 

I woke up super excited to do this. I mean, look at all of these things that I was going to fill my body with over the next three days!:
 

 

But, in true Audrey tradition, I messed it up right away. After two trips to the store, I couldn't find fresh ginger. I made the decision that replacing fresh with ground would just have to be ok. But what I didn't do was my research: 1 tbsp fresh ginger is equivalent to 1/8 tsp ground ginger. And I read the recipe wrong (I blame the early hour of the day). Imagine my dismay when I made the following Berry Breakfast Smoothie:
 

1 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries

3/4 cup chilled unsweetened almond milk

1/4 cup frozen pitted unsweetened cherries

1 Tbsp honey

2 tsp fresh ginger

1 tsp ground flaxseed

2 tsp fresh lemon juice

...and instead of using 1/4 tsp (the equivalent of 2tsp fresh) of ground ginger, I used TWO TABLESPOONS of ground ginger. Do I even need to describe how awful it tasted?
 

I got mad at myself for wasting an entire batch (I did try to drink it all but just couldn't) and didn't have time to concoct another before heading into work. I grabbed a banana and ran out the door. (Okay, okay, I know. This detox is supposed to be all liquid. But I'm going to snack on raw fruits and veggies from time to time. I don't care if that negates the process. I'm still only consuming raw fruits and veggies, whole or juiced. Get over it.)
 

Luckily, I only worked a half day today. After doing a short 25 minute ride and teaching a 60 minute riding group (in which I ran about 30 paces of 30 feet to keep up with the kids), I was hunnnnngry. But my mood was still high, and I was determined to go start (over) this thing right.
 

So, for lunch, I made the Berry Breakfast Smoothie the right way and it was deeelicious. Great, I thought, I can do this.

 

That was around 12:45pm. I needed something else a little later before running errands, picking up the husband from work, and going to the library, so I concocted another smoothie, known for its immune-boosting qualities (great! So many people are sick right now).
 

At 3:45pm, I made the following Lemon-Blueberry Smoothie:
 

1 cup purified water
¼ cup organic blueberries
1 organic lemon (whole)

 

Two words: Wow! and Tart! Wow because did you know that you can put a whole lemon, peel and all, in a blender, and it will blend away? Sweet! And tart, because, well, I think you know. Holy sourness!
 

This smoothie tied me over, but not for long.
 

I left to embark on my errands with my head held high and feeling good about myself. Are my insides healthier yet? Because I sure do feel better!
 

Fast forward 20 minutes to picking up Garrett and being instantaneously cranky. My spirits started to fall as my attitude started to sour...could I do this?
 

After a few deep breaths and moments of self-doubt, I decided that I must do this! I can't give up now, not after a couple of measly hours. Have you no self-control, Audrey? No stamina? With a renewed courage, I returned home to make this nutrient-packed smoothie for dinner:
 

6 carrots
2 large tomatoes
2 red bell peppers
3 cloves garlic
4 stalks celery
1 cup loosely packed spinach
 

It smelled so good. And, after a day of sweet juices, the spiciness was appreciated.
 

But then I could only get halfway through it. It did sate my appetite, though, and my stomach stopped rumbling. I left it out for a while and took gulps when I decided I could bear it. Ugh, I wanted whole food so badly. I busied myself with re-organizing my closet to get through the (mental?) hunger pains for the rest of the night.
 

Day 1 is complete! It wasn't easy. I wanted to quit. I was bored and wanted to cook. Or snack. Or eat a pizza. I am an indulgent person, especially when it comes to food. If Garrett weren't watching over me so quickly, I would have given up for sure.
 

Day 2: Wednesday
 

I dreamt of an LGO pizza, Starbucks coffee, and Chipotle last night. Seriously, Audrey? Are you really that much of a fat kid?
 

I deserve to be at least 50 lbs heavier.
 

With this morning came a fresh start with a whole new positive attitude.
 

"You can do it, Audrey!" I thought to myself, "one day down!".
 

I never have a large appetite in the morning. Of course my attitude was positive.
 

I started out with the same Berry Breakfast Smoothie, drinking it slowly on my commute and during the first 30 minutes or so of work.
 

10:00 rolled around. This is usually when I allow myself to have a snack. I really, really wanted Goldfish crackers. Or the ice cream cake I saw in the freezer. Or anything solid.
 

11:00 came by, and I decided to let myself eat a banana, slowly. I sliced it and ate it over a period of 15 minutes. The act of mastication satisfied me greatly.
 

1:05: It's current time, and I'm checking in. I'm not excited about lunch hour. I brought the remains of my dinner smoothie from last night. I am going to have a whole hour to think about food (as if I haven't been spending the whole day doing so already) without the distraction of work. I hope that book I got from the library last night is a page-turner.

1:30: I'm not happy. There's ice cream cake in the work freezer, and I really want a slice. The Goldfish crackers on the table are taunting me. I was excited to consume this ultra-vegetable-packed smoothie last night; now, not so much. I can't focus on my book. I want to quit. Don't do it Audrey, don't quit.

Doing the cleanse during work was hard. There were SO many good things to snack on, and I love snacking! I need to be on my feet moving around in order to be too distracted to think of food. Sitting at a computer all day certainly didn't provide enough distraction.

But I got through work. And I got through picking Garrett up at a restaurant and being suffocated by the smells of cooked food. I'm so close to closing day 2, I thought to myself. Just get through this day. You can eat real food tomorrow.

I started out with intentions of doing a 3-day cleanse, but my weakness prevailed. While my body did feel good, I was bored. I wanted to spend time researching recipes, planning meals, and cooking. I didn't suffer any withdrawals (can you in just two days?), and other than a little residual belly rumbling, I felt fine. But the thought of doing another day was just way too depressing.

I researched two-day fruit and vegetable cleanses, and, low and behold, they do exist! In many shapes and forms!

Am I giving up? Maybe. Do I feel ok about it? Yes.

While I had tomorrow to look forward to, I still needed to finish out the day. For dinner, I made the following smoothie:

1 avocado
1 banana
1 cup blueberries
1 cucumber
A fistful of kale 
Almond milk

 

And, it was pretty good. A little too thick for my liking, but bearable. And the flavor wasn't awful. I consumed half of it and saved the rest for breakfast (why not start the day out right?).

Day 2 complete! Cleanse complete! I did it (again, kind of)!

Review

 

Was it worth it? Meh. Yes. Would I do it again? I don't know. Do I depend on food and eating too much? Yes.

 

The cleanse was worth it because, although I only did it for two days, I do feel better. I kind of feel like I pressed a re-start button on my body. And, although weight loss was not the goal, I did drop 3 pounds (which I'm sure will come back just as quick). The biggest change that I noticed, though, was having a nice, level energy. For two mornings and two nights I woke up without having to press the snooze button and went to bed early without difficulty falling to sleep. That was pretty awesome.

 

What wasn't awesome? The current nagging of my stomach and the boredom that ensued. I never really was satisfied, and I missed chewing. God, I sound like a cow (not because I think I'm fat but because cows love to chew). If I decide to do this again, just if, I will add a little bit of lean protein in to fill me up more and hopefully fuel my stamina to continue cleansing longer (but does it count if you add animal products in? Probably not. I think that's just called healthy eating).

 

Did I learn anything new about myself? Nothing new, necessarily, but maybe got to know myself a little bit better. I am indulgent. I have problems controlling my impulses. And I rely on food way too much. I'm not ashamed of it, though. You heard it here: this girl loves to eat.

Do it for YOU

So we meet again, January. You try to hide yourself in the guise of new beginnings, but I know your true self. You're just the month-long hangover from the holidays. People get wrapped up in your game of renewal and self-improvement, but I won't be a contender. No New Year's resolutions here, no siree.

I don't like to make promises that I'll knowingly break. That's why I don't make New Year's resolutions. People get wrapped up in planning to make these positive life changes, but how many of these changes actually come? Like it or not, you're the same person on January 1st as you were on December 31st. If you want to change, great. Do it. But change is a gradual process, my friends. You don't wake up, decide to exercise and eat healthy, and poof! lose 10 pounds. Sorry. That doesn't happen. I'm not saying you can't change, I'm just saying that you can't change quickly (at least if you want that change to stick).

Do I sound cynical? Maybe. But I'm just being realistic. Don't plan to make any life transformations just because everybody else is planning to right now. Make changes only if you want change. If everything in your life is right on track, great. Keep living that way. If there are some issues that you'd like to address and improve, go ahead and address them. Decide how you are realistically going to execute making those issues better. Don't set yourself up for failure, because then you'll just feel worse in the future than you do now.

Like I said, I didn't make a resolution this year. Life is going pretty well. I set some goals for myself to attain about a month ago, but I did those for myself and not because a societal timeline expected me to. Do you want to know what I did on New Year's Day this year? I spent 90% of it on the couch, sleeping and watching movies next to my husband. We split a half-dozen bagels and bucket of cream cheese between us. I didn't feel an ounce of guilt; it was what we needed. The holidays and traveling were exhausting and we needed rest. We haven't laid around like that in ages. It was well-deserved.

Garrett and I spent all week eating with abandon and lazing about the house after work. We were nursing our post-holiday cheer hangovers. I don't think we gained any weight over the holidays; instead, we gained weight this week. We're not feeling so good about ourselves--fatty foods and lack of exercise will do that to you--so we gave ourselves until tomorrow (Monday) to indulge. Come tomorrow, we'll pick up exercise and healthier eating. Garrett is better at that stuff than I am, so for me, it'll be a gradual process. I'm not promising myself any weight loss; I just want to feel better.

This is my plan for feeling better: start working more lean proteins, veggies, and fruits into my diet. Am I going to nix all of my favorite foods? Hell, no! At least not right away. Depriving myself of Goldfish crackers and replacing them with carrots is not going encourage a happy relationship with healthy eating. I'll still order a cheeseburger at my favorite restaurant, but maybe I'll get a side salad instead of fries. Then the next time I get that cheeseburger, I'll ask for it without the bun. The next time after that, maybe I'll get a bun-less turkey burger without cheese. Do you see where I'm going here?

In addition to gradually transforming my diet of carbs-carbs-fat-carbs-fat-fat-fat-carbs-protein-carbs-carbs into a healthier one, I am also going to pick up exercise. It's been a while, so I'm not expecting to be able to run long distances or stretch down to my toes immediately (yes, it's been that long). Am I going to work out every day, and measure calories burned? Nope. Am I going to set a goal of running, doing yoga/bar method, and riding each at least once weekly? Yes. Because those goals are attainable for me.

Please don't get me wrong here--I will not judge you if you make a New Year's resolution. If you follow through with it, I'll be your biggest cheerleader. "May the odds be ever in your favor" (hehe).

Just remember, slow and steady wins the race.


(Want an example of slow and steady? Today I woke up and ran two miles (small victory for most of you out there, but great for me), and then made a wonderfully delicious, fat-and-calorie-packed brunch--a last meal, so to speak. An early morning run followed by a meal of whole-wheat raspberry ricotta scones, peach and sour cream pancakes, and sausage links was the perfect start to my day. And I don't feel an ounce of remorse. I gave some, I took some. It's what I have to do if I plan on any follow-through. It's what I had to do for me.)

"I'll Dream a Motorcycle..."

I always come home from Christmas break with a heavy sadness inside of my chest. It seems that I don't get an adequate enough fill of family time and am left wanting for more.

The holidays create this bubble separate from reality, a bubble filled with pure happiness in being with each other. At Christmas, we forgive each other's wrong doings, bicker less, and are simply content to be surrounded by family. There is nothing I enjoy more than the easy companionship of one's siblings and parents, and this companionship is always in its full glory at Christmas time. So that's why I hate leaving my family after the holidays; I'm leaving behind a perfect week filled with love and happiness, and the simplicity of just wanting to be with one another. It's so hard living far away from my family, knowing that this togetherness is only guaranteed once a year. Who wouldn't be sad?

At a bonus family gathering this year (our wedding), my three-year-old nephew grabbed Garrett's hand, looked up to him, and said,

"I'll dream a motorcycle. You dream a helmet. K?"

Garrett loved this question, and so did I. It's amazing, the pureness of a child's imagination. To think that one can imagine something that only gets better when conjoined with somebody else's imagination is an ideal hard to grasp amongst us adults. That's the one thing I dislike about aging--losing touch with my imagination. So today, in my loneliness and sadness that has resulted from leaving my family during this holiday season, I am going to let my imagination run wild.

 I am going to dream an island that is perfect for one reason: it is filled with all of the people I love. It's a happy place, where the sun shines 80% of the year--enough to support perpetual happiness but enough to allow cozy days inside from the rain. Snow will start falling December 1st and cease January 31st, allowing temperatures to warm enough in February to bring fresh flowers and sprouting grass in March. Christmas time will be filled with houses trimmed in white lights and candles burning in the windows. Christmas trees (and Menorahs for the lovely Jews in my life) will be excessively large and decorated in every household. Families and friends will gather around pianos to sing Christmas carols and everyone will come together to ring in the New Year. Health and happiness will be plentiful.

Come springtime, grass will be springy and green. Lawns will be perfectly tailored and adorned with tipped over bicycles left by playing children. Hanging baskets will grace porches (did I mention that all of the houses will have huge wrap-around porches?) and hummingbirds will dart in and out of the flowers sprouting in each yard. There will be running streams, wave-crashing seas, and fish-filled ponds. The island will be home to both a delightful town and cozy countryside. Delectable restaurants and cute boutiques will fill the town, horse farms and dairies along rolling hills will fill the country.

The summer will be full of swimming, popsicles, and games of hide-and-go-seek for the children, dances, picnics, and open-air exercise for the adults. Lightning bugs will dot the night sky and cicadas will conduct their orchestra all summer long. The days and nights will be carefree, filled with laughter and skin warmed by the sun. Berries and vegetables will grow fresh and plentiful for picking. Travel will be always be open and easily accessible to all; in fact, travel to far-off places will be done by teleportation. Harry Potter style. No jet lag or time lost to interfere with the exploration of new places.

Autumn will slowly creep in come late September and will be filled with bright oranges, reds, and yellows. The sunlight will shine golden and keep bodies warm as temperatures start to fade. Pumpkin patches will be abundant and families will make weekend trips to the local apple orchard to drink cider (while eating apple cider donuts, of course) and pick apples for homemade pies. Firewood will be chopped for the impending cold weather and seasonal coffees will start to brew in all of the cafés. Scarves, hats, and mittens will be pulled out with thick coats and heavy boots. Holiday preparation will begin.

Adults will have careers, but only those so desired. The work day will be short and consist of a midday siesta. People won't work to attain more money, because money won't matter. Those who wish access to unlimited amounts will be granted unlimited amounts; those who wish to live more frugally will certainly be allowed to live more frugally. Money problems won't exist.

The one animal shelter will only be there for families to quickly reclaim their rambunctious lost pets; every animal will have a loving home. The local doctor's office and hospital will only be necessary for the patching up of scraped elbows and knees that come from having too much fun. Major health problems do not exist on my island. Everybody is granted perfect health.

 My house will have two stories and a perfectly thatched roof. The wrap-around porch will be decorated by rocking chairs, hanging plants, and flower baskets on the railing. Friends and family will stop by frequently to sit in these rocking chairs and chat about life over baked goods and tea (or wine in the evening). Bay windows will poke out onto the porch and above it; inside these windows will be filled with cushioned seats and pillows for reading. Hardwood floors will line the house and fireplaces with exquisite mantels will be in almost every room. There will be a library filled with shelves of books from floor to ceiling; a ladder will be needed to reach the top. The kitchen will be the biggest and most important room in the house; it'll consist of a top of the line oven and a wood-burning stove. There will be both a breakfast nook and a large center island for people to gather around to sip drinks and prepare food together. We'll have a large stone patio that overlooks our back yard, which is complete with an in-ground pool and horse barn in the distance. Above the patio will be an upstairs balcony with a chaise lounge for drinking morning coffee and reading. The bathrooms will have tile floors, claw-footed tubs, and showers with two heads (something funny to wish for, I know. But try showering with a large man and you'll know what I mean). Bedrooms will be full of lush bedding and mattresses so perfect, you'll never want to leave. Except you will, because family and friends will be waiting to fill your day. My sisters, parents, and in-laws will all live a stones-throw away and friends won't live farther than a walkable distance. We’ll all get together frequently, as we please, to share in laughter, comfort, and good spirits.

That's my perfect world on my perfect island in a nutshell. Yes, everything will be aesthetically pleasing, but most importantly, it'll be filled with a healthy and happy reality of all of us being together at the snap of a finger. We won't have to part and go our separate ways after the holidays; well, we can if we want to (skiing in the Alps? Surfing in Hawaii?), but when we come back, we'll come back to each other.

I did my part in dreaming my motorcycle...now it's your turn to dream the helmet. Go ahead, exercise your imagination and make my island better. What would you want?

Cheers, 23!

On the eve of my 24th birthday, I would like to toast my 23rd year.
 
It was a good year.
 
I'll state the obvious: I got married. Wahoo! The wedding was awesome, and so has been my marriage. While the wedding was a highlight of my year and probably life, it isn't the sole reason why I loved 23. I loved 23 because I got back to being Audrey again.
 
Up until about this time last year, I was really content with my life. I was planning a wedding, building a home with my husband-to-be, and working full time. I was so content with how things were and how they'd been going that I hadn't noticed that I'd let go of so many things that once defined me as a person. All of the sudden, content with life wasn't enough. I had to be happy with me.
 
You see, although things were going well, I started to feel lost and unfulfilled. Who am I? I'm happy with myself, but do I really love me as a person? Am I that strong of an individual? What do I have that is my own? The answer to a lot of these questions remained blank.
 
Instead of getting pulled down by my sudden epiphany of lack of self-substance, I made a plan. I love to make lists, so I made one for myself. I thought really hard about what is and what used to be important to me.
 

1)      Relationships: The way that I relate to people is my top priority in life. Fiancé (at the time), family, friends, co-workers, strangers...all of my daily encounters with these people matter hugely and really shape my being. But I was doing well with maintaining these relationships and didn't have a heavy need to work on them. So onto the next item.

 

2) Horses: I grew up in a barn. Really. I had my first pony ride at age 3 and was hooked. I started taking weekly lessons at 7, leased my first horse at 9, bought (thanks dad!) my first horse at 12. While I enjoyed the sport, I really loved the environment. I raced home from school at the end of the day and woke up early on weekend mornings so not a minute that could be spent at the barn was wasted. Altough my childhood and adolescence were rocky at times, I wouldn't change either, for the time that I spent with horses made it all worthwhile.

Mucking out stalls and taking care of a large animal taught me responsibility. Forming friendships with fellow horse lovers of all ages taught me to be open-minded and relatable. Competing taught me the value of reward that comes from hard work. Learning how to communicate with an animal taught me compassion and patience. Most people are quick to refer to "growing up in a barn" with disdain and as an insinuative joke, but to me, it's where I became a person. And a good one at that.

Anyway, horses weren't just a part of my life for a long time, they were my life. This changed, however, as life got busier. School became more demanding as I got older and my parents (thankfully) forced me to partake in team sports. My plate became too full. Unfortunately, horses came off of that plate for a while.

I worked hard, though, to keep horses in my life. After selling my horse and taking a break I came back to lessons. I studied animal science in college and focused in equine studies. I was determined to not let go of something that meant so much to me.

I lost touch with horses after moving to Arizona. I couldn't afford lessons and frankly, after working full days, didn't have the energy to ride. Life again became busy, and horses fell to the back burner. Until last December.

I put horses on my list. I had to get them back in my life, no matter how. I started frequenting all job engines, simply plugging the word "horse" in the search box, and low and behold, I found a job working with horses. And landed it. Yes! I got horses back in my life. I checked it off of my list (excited to do so so soon), and have been so much happier ever since.

 

3) Music: I have never lived a day without music. My father hails from a family of musicians, so it was only natural for him to carry this music-laden lifestyle over to his children. Most evenings and all weekends were filled with music being played throughout our home. I grew up with the sounds of Rosemary Clooney, Frank Sinatra, and Dean Martin resonating throughout the halls. There was Nina Simone, Ella Fitzgerald, Louis Armstrong. B.B. King and Eric Clapton. Mozart, Chopin, Debussy, Schubert. Buena Vista Social Club. My uncle Benny's Sessions from the Hearth CD. Ballads, blues, folk, classical. My father dabbled in all types of music; that is, all types of real music, as he would call it. Once synthetic sounds starting coming into music productions, he stopped listening. That meant no rock, no pop, no hip hop being played on the family CD player. That was left up to me to find on my own.

In addition to always having music playing, we were forced (yes, forced) to practice musical instruments. All three daughters took piano lessons. Years upon years of piano lessons. Could we show for it now? No. We all participated in chorus, however, and enjoyed it. I also played the viola and trumpet, each for a year or so. I was filled with glee when I was allowed to quit. One of my biggest regrets is not taking my music lessons or practicing seriously. 10 years of piano lessons should be enough to produce a good player. If that player practiced, and I never did.

But back to the point. Once I left my childhood home, the presence of music in my life dwindled. No more constant flow of music throughout the home, no more musical instruments to practice, no more groups to sing in. I still tried to find new bands and update my iPod, but only when I found the time. And I didn't find the time enough.

Music went on my list. I dedicated a part of my monthly budget to downloads and concert tickets. I've been to more concerts in the past year than my entire life combined. Boom! My life is now that much more enriched.

 

4) Writing: I love to write. My written word is stronger than my spoken one. However, the field that I've chosen to study and work in doesn't require or facilitate creative writing. Because work takes up so much of my time and energy, I stopped writing.

My mother is an artist. We all grew up with easy access to paint and canvas, and all tried our hands at drawing and painting. For me, painting became more of an emotional outlet than anything else; I wasn't aiming to be good or make any artistic career moves. It was just nice to go into my mother's studio after having a bad day, blast some music, and take it all out on a canvas. I eventually started doing this with writing. It was easier to make sense of things when I wrote them down.

It's amazing how many stories I've started to write and haven't finished. I decided last year that this had to stop. I had to start writing again, and finish what I started.

So, writing went on my list, and this is the last goal that I have met. While a novel or anything long is too ambitious right now, I thought that a blog would be perfect. If I wrote stories to share, I would be more compelled to write them in the first place. And so I have.

 

 

I did it! I got three things that once defined me so well back into my daily life. And I'm all the better for it. And now I can answer with ease the questions that I struggled with only a year ago.
 
Who am I? I am Audrey, of course! Lover and keeper of relationships, horses, music, and the written word.
Do I love me as a person? I do! I am so happy to have passions of my own that I pursue and enjoy. They make me a richer person every day.
Am I a strong individual? Yes! I know who I am. I am confident. I like who I am, and I hope you do too.
What do I have that is my own? My daily work with horses. My search for good music. My attempt at writing. These are all things that I do for myself.
 
I like this game. I accomplished my list and feel like a better person for it. So 24, what can I do for you, or what can you do for me? Let's start with a list:
 
1) Pick up the French language again
2) Develop a steady workout routine (yoga, please!)
3) Set out to volunteer. Even if I volunteer twice a year, it's more than I'm doing now.
4) Any more suggestions?
 
So, on this last night of being 23, I'll thank myself, and I'll thank my year. As I said before, it was a good year. 24, meet your challenge. You've got a lot to live up to.